Total Lack Of Sleep For Six Years In My Youth

(Portugal)

Not just insomnia but Vigilia killed my life and I was full of it, sick of it and with it forever in weakness and pain, everyday of my youth. Seemed like I was being punished and condemned to hell through what should have been my best years as a young girl, from the age of twelve to eighteen. It’s so lonely and isolating and no one understands the terror of that kind of pain, losing it hopelessly with no hope of recovery or with no tomorrow. Blame it on traumas, I was deeply traumatized and made fun of as a child. Robbed from my birth mother while I was asleep. I used ice inside kitchen cloth and I tied it around my front head to bear the pain, to withstand the sickness, the terror of the sickness of years of total lack of sleep. Pure exhaustion it is. Every little pleasure was stolen from me with that disease. My life changed and as I couldn’t work I was forced to hide in studying languages and literatures because my math ability vanished forever with lack of sleep. It has been hell living with that handicap.

Completely sick in bed dying at 21, with bowel infection, mumps, renal infection and thin to the bone, my sort of adoptive mother asked me if I wanted to see a genius psychiatrist, a Nobel prize then on TV, as last resource. I was dying quickly and a lot of being discredited by healthy people strongly contributed to it. My body was giving up but my mind never stopped to rest with anxiety and more restlessness the more tired my body was. Nothing relieved my severe pains, dizziness, lack of concentration, memory loss, etc, you name it. Like in a plague I was robbed of my brightful mind. I was very intelligent before. I was saved though.

I needed psychoanalysis but no one would spend that amount of money on a wreck like me, so the doctor begged my parents to accept to pay psychotherapy three times a week until I could pay for it fully. And that's how I got saved! It took me a lifetime to recover, even today, at 52, I still bear the scars of total lack of sleep, the sheer terror, nothing compares to that suffering, not being able to be myself was more than hell. I tried and kept on making efforts and all sacrifices called for to not think about it too much. I still lighten and empty my mind and try sincerely to never think of this “horror” or anything that upsets me before sleep. Please solve your problems, accept whatever it you have to accept and let go. Accept yourself we are worthy of the highest value even when our pain is silenced and suffocated. Just let it go, let it be. You deserve to give yourself that rest. All the best.