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Hurtful Things Said During Sleep Talking

by Kerry
(Canada)

I think I have to be the most honest person I know. Tonight when I went in to bed, I told my boyfriend I loved him as I was trying to snuggle up to him. He told me "That's untrue." I asked what's untrue and he countered with something I didn't understand and then clearly said "All your lies."


Is this his subconscious talking? Does he really think I'm lying to him about my feelings and other things? Normally he says funny and off the wall things so I usually like talking back to him when he starts, but tonight it was just upsetting and now I can't sleep and so I came looking for an answer... if there is one.

And more importantly should I tell him about this and ask him when he's awake if this is how he truly feels or if there are doubts in his mind? Could this be why that would have come out in his sleep talking tonight? Doubts of my sincerity?

Comments for Hurtful Things Said During Sleep Talking

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Feb 17, 2015
 You could bring it up lightheartedly
by: Kevin

Hi Kerry, If he was asleep when he said it he may not have even processed the words you said, but rather just responded automatically with a rather general retort. I don't think it's something to necessarily worry about. However, in these cases it can be useful to bring up what happened in a lighthearted way so that it doesn't weigh on you. For instance, you could jokingly give him a hard time about what he said in his sleep talking to you last night. If he responds jovially, surprised, or sincere, it was likely meaningless. If he responds awkwardly or has trouble talking about it, maybe it's something to talk about more seriously. But in its own right, it's probably not fair to judge someone's true feelings but what they say while sleep talking.
Mar 09, 2015
 Very hurtful - but true? NEW
by: Merri K,

I read with interest the comments of Kerry and Kevin. I know that it is a sleep phenomena, but my partner has said some really surprising comments about an old girlfriend from the long ago past. I thought she was long gone, so to speak. This has happened three nights in one week in different forms. He even calls out her name. Yup, I feel scared about the relationship now, but I will try hard to be positive for both of us. Hang in there everyone with the same concerns!
Mar 26, 2015
 feeling really bad about my sleep talking NEW
by: Dan

I am a sleep talker and I have said and will say nasty horrible things in my sleep, I feel really bad because I love my family but my partner now thinks I hate her and don't love her which is untrue as she is so positive for me. I don't know why I say these things in my sleep and I genuinely don't remember any of it. I have done a little bit reading about it and it seems hopeless.
Mar 29, 2015
 My husband loses sleep because of my sleep talking NEW
by: Anonymous

I don't think that anyone should try to hold someone accountable for something they said or did in their sleep. My husband of 18 years has told me that I say horrible things in my sleep. These range from me thinking that he is not letting me sleep, to screening and yelling at him, telling him how stupid he is, etc... I love my husband more than anything and I feel bad for the stuff that I say while I'm sleeping. I honestly have no memory of the things I do or say, he just tells me the next day and I'm always shocked. He says it's hard to deal with sometimes, but he understands that it truly isn't me being aware of what I'm saying. Sucks though...
Jul 11, 2015
 I Sleep Talk NEW
by: Anonymous

Please don't worry. He doesn't know what he's saying and tbh he may not even think he's talking to "you" as in you may be an ex for instance or a family member.

I sleep talk, walk and once ate (all my Christmas calendar chocolates). I used to have arguments with my ex and he said I looked as if I was awake. I've been aware something was wrong for a long time because when I was young my mother would come in to check on me and I would say the most horrible things. She would tell me the next day and it broke my heart as I loved her dearly and we were so close.

I know it hurts, just as much as it can hurt him to know he's made you feel like this. Please talk to him. You can have an agreement where by you wake him up *properly*. But beware, I have looked to be awake before. Maybe a cold damp flannel on the neck, head or back. But decide together what you do before you do it.

I'm 30 now and still scream to be woken up, I don't recall any dream to make me do this. My mother passed away when I was 17 and I still call for her till this day. I also lucid dream where I wake myself up but am not really awake but I am in another dream which looks like my life,until I realise the lights won't work then I realise I'm still asleep. It is merely a habit to be broken. Make sure he has enough sleep and uses good sleep hygiene as this will help minimise the occurrences or maybe the current scenario he's going through but if it is chronic like mine tell him to mention it to his Dr. I went to a sleep clinic and am "fine" but through blood tests have noted some underlying problems which I never thought could affect my sleep. High platelets and white blood cells, severe vitamin deficiencies which can all play a part. The body is like a house. If the foundations aren't solid the house will struggle so it must be addressed.
Apr 20, 2016
 I have said horrible, mean things and hit my boyfriend in my sleep. NEW
by: Anonymous

It's so horrible and I don't remember any of it. It happened recently again, just last night, and my boyfriend says he loses sleep over it. Apparently I tell him he's worthless and that I can find another man. He won't tell me everything I said last night but it is breaking my heart that I am such a horrid witch to him in my sleep. I don't know how to help or what to do about this and it's hard to convince him. He has an abusive family and has some emotional problems already, and I'm his one light in the day he can come home to. But at night when I'm in deep sleep apparently I throw my love for him out the window. I recall these times I've said things to him being linked to bad dreams sometimes, but other times I don't remember even having a dream so I can't link my horrible things I say to him to just having a nightmare. I wish I knew if there was a cure for this. It seems we both have sleeping disorders, and I got the most harmful one. :(
Jan 01, 2017
 Sleep talking bf NEW
by: Anonymous

I was ripped from my sleep by my bf shouting "ouch" and thrashing around I wasn't fully lucid just very frightened and confused so I woke him up and asked if he was ok and tried to comfort him and he replied quite annoyed that he was ok, then he looked at me in dusgust and waved me away with his hand and told me to move away from him. I was extremely hurt and shocked and it took me a while to get back to sleep. I feel so bad for still being upset about it but the whole situation rattled me and has stayed with me all day. I'm aware that I'm overreacting big time but tell me, is it possible that those are his real feelings towards me? Or is it more likely that maybe he thought I was someone from his dream?
Jun 24, 2017
 Sleep talking NEW
by: Anonymous

Last night as I was trying to get to sleep, my husband suddenly sat up and asked me if I'd unlocked the front door! I asked why I needed to and he replied, 'so my wife can get in cause we locked her out.' I asked him who he thought I was and he then seemed to wake up and say he didn't know. It really upset me and now I keep worrying he's having/had an affair. He does on occasions talk in his sleep and sleepwalks when he's been drinking. Should I be worried, I can't stop thinking about it.
Nov 22, 2017
 true or not NEW
by: Anonymous

my husband has told me that I talk in my sleep about feelings I have for someone else and that I go in to detail about what I would like to do them sexually, however the person in question is not someone I would ever consider having any sort of fling with as I think hes a prat. could I be saying these things or could my husband be making them up
Jan 05, 2018
 emotional after sleep talking NEW
by: Anonymous

It was a holiday . A friend spent the night.She had to be up for work at 4 am.For what I struggle to remember. I can hear her speaking.In my sleep I replied. . Guess she found it humorous. She proceeded to ask questions. I started to share my deepest fears.Things from my childhood I don't share.I remember screaming. My son (22) came to see what the screaming was about. Being that I was in limbo. I had no idea who this man was. I proceeded to say mean things to him.(flash forward) I awoke to her telling me she was leaving for work. I had no recollection at the time of my episode . As time passed.Something in me was unsettled.Then like recalling a drunken night.Flashes came to me. I can't remember everything I said that morning . I spoke to my son. He won't speak on it.I don't know how inappropreate or vulgar my talk was? I'm frightened of my sleep. What l might say next.There is tension in my home.
Nov 14, 2018
 Sleep talking-"I hate God" NEW
by: TS

My boyfriend started sleep talking a few months after we moved in together. He says "f_ck you God" "I hate you God""kill me God" and some times its just yelling loudly gibberish. He says he does not remember saying these things. It scares me because I'm afraid if the things he says. They seem like violent hateful statements. He does have a temper that is out of control sometimes. In his awake life I know he struggled with his very religious upbringing. When he talks in his also I pray for him. He says he cant remember so there is not much I can do. Most nights 5 or so an week it wakes me up and leaves me unsettled. I also on the sofa sometimes just to get a full night of sleep. To all those who posted hang in there. I have not heard any science behind why this happens nit hopefully some one is researching it. I though it was his dreams. He says he does not dream. So I'm not sure what to think or how to help.
Nov 14, 2018
 Sleep talking-"I hate God" NEW
by: TS

My boyfriend started sleep talking a few months after we moved in together. He says "f_ck you God" "I hate you God""kill me God" and some times its just yelling loudly gibberish. He says he does not remember saying these things. It scares me because I'm afraid if the things he says. They seem like violent hateful statements. He does have a temper that is out of control sometimes. In his awake life I know he struggled with his very religious upbringing. When he talks in his also I pray for him. He says he cant remember so there is not much I can do. Most nights 5 or so an week it wakes me up and leaves me unsettled. I also on the sofa sometimes just to get a full night of sleep. To all those who posted hang in there. I have not heard any science behind why this happens nit hopefully some one is researching it. I though it was his dreams. He says he does not dream. So I'm not sure what to think or how to help.
Jul 05, 2019
 Sleep verbal abuse
by: Bobcats

I have lost two wives and I can imagine I’m about to lose a girlfriend. My sister told me this morning she knew of the sleep talking from the first two ladies, but no one ever told me. My girlfriend is the first one to say anything to me. I sent her a link to this thread, maybe for some comfort. I wish it would stop, I don’t want to be alone when I really love people. It is, so, unlike me, however, who is going to believe that after too much of the inappropriate things said and done. I rip down self esteem and talk like I want to be with someone else. I have kicked and punched and it makes me sick to my stomach to hear about it later. I have had to give hugs in the morning and say nice things to a trembling tearful soul who was abused all night. Makes me willing to take drastic measures to ensure I don’t hurt anyone else.
Oct 31, 2019
 same problem NEW
by: Anonymous

but in my case my boyfriend doesnt hear shit when i talk,but my neibourghs do😅we live in a apartment.So now my neibourghs think that im some crazy bitch talking trash about them.Im in trouble,people dont care/believe that i was asleep when said all that nasty shit with curses and stuff
Aug 19, 2023
 Is he cheating NEW
by: Anonymous

My bf said "you're too good to be dressing like that". Should I be worried he's with someone else?

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